I’ve been thinking about my recovery in regard to the trauma and how that may be impacting me still.
I’m definitely in a much better place than I was a year ago. Flashbacks are pretty much non-existent, they may be triggered by being in a similar situation (witnessing a crash, hearing sounds similar to it, etc) but the exposure work I’ve done has taken a lot of the power away from those memories if they do occur.
I’m still stuck with the anxiety though. Prior to the accident I didn’t have any real experience with anxiety, whether that was a school exam or sports. As a goalie, being relaxed before the most important games was one of my strengths. Now I’m stuck with this level of anxiety that I’m learning how to live with. I think it’ll take more time for my mind to move beyond and rewire in such a way that I don’t have to think about the anxiety. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the place I was prior to the accident, but I think that’s to be expected after an experience like that.
I recognize that although I didn’t have a relapse after treatment and the past three years have been pretty good ED wise, the PTSD definitely has impacted my recovery.
I can go into different times and ways that the trauma, or the situation it put me in, dictated my ED recovery the past three years, but at this point that doesn’t help me move forward. The impact trauma has on my life is different now than it was before and thus the relationship it has with Ed is different.
One thing I definitely hold on to is anxiety of what’s next. The accident happened at the worst time, I had finally taken time to put my health first, and then that all got screwed up by the PTSD. It was just another thing to knock me down and so even though things are moving forward now, part of my mind is just waiting for the next thing. That anxiety isn’t completely irrational, it’s based on actual things that have happened, which makes it harder to challenge those thoughts. It’s more about being okay if something else happens and focusing on doing what I need to achieve my goals. I know all too well that plans can change in an instant, but there’s no use in letting that threat govern the life I live.
The eating disorder was a way for me to feel control and to cope with the feelings around injury. I still deal with some pain from the accident on bad days, mainly when I’m working out it flares up along my ribs. On top of having some physical pain, which serves as a reminder of the trauma, I also have the anxiety which makes everyday things harder. It takes more energy and I need more downtime to recover than before. Ed is telling me that he can help me cope with all of that.
I’m learning how to take care of my needs, go to school, and just do everyday things without burning myself out. I’m learning what I need to do to recharge my batteries and that includes sticking to my boundaries when it comes to the time/energy I can give to others. Ed may be telling me that letting him back into my life will help me cope with the stress of trying to move forward in life with the added weight of the trauma symptoms I still have, but I’m determined to figure this out on my own.